he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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