I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
