I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
