Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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