if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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