Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
