How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
