We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
