my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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