Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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