i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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