her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
