When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
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