he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
