College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
