Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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