Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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