Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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