Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
pray to the hookup gods
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
