i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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