Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
