I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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