We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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