A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
