I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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