please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
