Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
