Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
