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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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