So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize