i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
