Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
