did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
