I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
