Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
