I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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