yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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