I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
