the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
