I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
