my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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