i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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