i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
