My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
