fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
