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We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
