she looked like the before picture.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
