dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize