My hand turned me down
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
