How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
