I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you made out with another girl for some wings
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
