I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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