im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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