I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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