I wish I only lived at night.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
