true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
