i wish my penis had a tongue
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
