I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
