remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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