Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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