Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
