it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
