Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
